Not Controlling but Also Not Succubming: Meditation and Equanimity

Every so often, I get overwhelmed by the myriad events of life. Those times, non-rational thoughts and feelings of victimization often arise, no doubt from the pre-reptilian part of my brain. Despite all the knowledge gained from readings in psychology, self-help, philosophy, tai chi, spirituality and meditation, it still takes me a lot of effort to stop myself and realize that those thoughts are just that--thoughts and not reality. No one is attacking me; my lot in life is not harder than anyone else's; and all I have to do is take a deep breath, notice what is happening, and I can settle myself down and devote my attention to what's needed.  It sounds so easy, but I often forget, and find myself wasting energy tilting at windmills in my mind.

This week, I started listening to a book called "Emotional Alchemy" by Tara Bennett-Goleman.  She applies Buddhist psychological principles of mindfulness to her practice as a therapist.  We are to face life's crises with equanimity and serene composure.   Being without reacting is a theme that comes up, again and again, which resonates with the principles of Taoism I've been reading about, for example verse 12 of the Tao Te Ching:

Colors blind the eye.
Sounds deafen the ear.
Flavors numb the taste.
Thoughts weaken the mind.
Desires wither the heart.

The Master observes the world
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is open as the sky.

Our habits and thoughts actually become hard-wired into the neural pathways of our brain.  To change, we have to practice new thoughts to lay down new pathways.  Our pre-frontal cortex is the most recently evolved part of the brain and is what allows us to take all those chaotic feelings and emotions from the older, reptilian part of our brain, and act in ways that are appropriate.

This might sound mumbo-jumbo to some, but Bennett-Goleman cites the work of John Kabat-Zinn and Richard Davidson who have demonstrated the effects of meditation on the pre-frontal cortex.  It turns out that mindfulness and meditation has a physical effect on our brains.  The left pre-frontal cortex specifically generates positive feelings and dampens negative feelings.  They looked at brain activity of those who practiced meditation and mindfulness and saw more activity in the left prefrontal cortex.  The meditation actually made the subject stronger at controlling negative emotions.

A psychologist up the street at the Shambala Center in Washington, DC, told us in a meditation class recently, that it takes about 6 weeks for the beneficial effects of meditation to take effect, which coincidentally is how long it takes the average anti-depressant to take effect.

Which would you choose?

The Reluctant Tai Chi Teacher

Though I've been practicing Tai Chi for 13 years and teaching it for 6, I feel uncomfortable calling myself a master. My master was a colleague named Quyen Tran, who taught Tai Chi at the fitness center run by our employer. All of Master Tran's classes were well attended, and there were always a few beginners at every class. We would first to a warm up and then practice the 28-position, Yang short form together. Then he would break us into beginners and advanced students. An advanced student would be given the job to teach the beginners the form. The advanced students would practice mastering or going deeper into the subtleties of the form.

After several years of practicing, Mr. Tran one day told me to go to and practice with the advanced students. This was a bit surprising because I didn't feel I had mastered the form. I relied on whoever was teaching to call out the moves, to tell me when to breathe, when to raise or lower my arms, and when to shift my weight and step. I wasn't frustrated by not mastering the form. Practicing Tai Chi made me feel so good, it was enough to follow along. I loved the class so much and rarely missed a class over the years.

After several more years, my master said he would be retiring in a few years. By this time, there was a core of people who were the old-timers. Some had been practicing with Mr. Tran ever since he began teaching. These were the advanced students whom Mr. Tran would call on to teach the beginners. One day, all of the old-timers were absent, and when Mr. Tran broke the class into two, he pointed to me and said "You teach the beginners, today."

I was shocked. I didn't feel I had mastered the technique. For example, when trying to practice on my own, I could never remember all the moves and transitions between the positions. So I was very uncomfortable when I stood in front of my "flock" of new students and began to teach. I made some mistakes, sure but the students didn't notice. But I still didn't remember all the moves. During the next week, I watched a videotape of Master Tran performing the routine, and I took notes and made a cheat sheet. At the next class, he asked me to teach again. I made fewer mistakes and to my surprise I was able to get through the entire set with the students. I had learned the form!

Sometimes we do not know what we have within us. It takes someone to recognize it and call it forth. There is a wonderful Buddhist saying that goes, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." An article I once saw said, "be a good teacher or get out of the way." In Mr. Tran I found the perfect teacher--he appeared when I was ready (after practicing for many years and had demonstrated that I was serious), he brought out what was inside, and then he stepped out of the way by making me teach. Through teaching I learned the form even better, and every time I practice, I learn something new. Tai Chi has become a life-long learning event for me and that is why I still feel it is a work in progress.